Weepu dumped for not eating eating Weet-Bix

WELLINGTON: Spinner can exclusively reveal that avid baked beans and sausages fan, Piri Weepu, was dumped from the All Blacks not because of his poor form, the weight in his posterior, his sniggering in the back row at Value-Add lectures at All Black camps, or his all night binge drinking, but because he refused to change his preferred breakfast food from baked beans and sausages on toast to Sanitarium Weet-Bix.

Relationship between Weepu and Weetbox not so strong after all.

Kiribati Rugby bosses fire shots at Guam

KIRIBATI: A spanner was thrown in the works of the Kiribati's Rugby World Cup preparation yesterday after Guam announced it would send an under strength team in next week's Micronesian Cup decider. Kiribati rugby boss H.G. Solomon labelled the team an "insult" and suggested the move was cowardice. It is believed that Guam are sending the Hagatna Boys High School 2nd XV in place of their national side.

Eketahuna Eels move to top of table

EKETAHUNA: Another exciting week in the Eketahuna Social Football League was dominated by the Eketahuna Eels as they thrashed the Woodville Warriors 10-0 to claim the top of the table spot. 

Grand Prix raises $20 million dollars for Grand Prix

MELBOURNE: The Melbourne Grand Prix was a staggering success over the weekend, helping to raise over $20 million for the Grand Prix.

Over 240,000 people attended the four days of racing with a percentage of monies from ticket sales, sponsorship, and outlandish tax-payer subsidies going towards the Grand Prix owners. That percentage is thought to be in the vicinity of 100%.

Although the Melbourne race is unlikely to ever turn a profit (for Melbourne), Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone will selflessly bank a fee of $20 million dollars for his role in the event. Charitably, the bulk of this money will go towards furthering his work with children. Specifically those children whom he fathered: Tamara and Petra Ecclestone.

Each year Ecclestone additionally sets aside a percentage of the money he receives from races such as Melbourne's to further the plight of his favourite causes.

Ecclestone is acutely aware of the plight of the millions of people in the world who do not have access to clean drinking water. With over two million people in desperate need of sanitary water in Bangladesh alone, the money will go a long way towards building an underground entertainment centre in Ecclestone's Zermatt mansion. The entertainment centre will include a 50-seat indoor theatre (complete with svelte blonde confectionary attendants), a bowling alley and a 50-metre thermally heated lap pool.

Although the city of Melbourne loses more than $5 million a year on the Grand Prix, race organisers couldn't be happier with their returns. A Formula One spokesperson told reporters that they were delighted, and always pleasantly surprised to be welcomed back to Melbourne, and looked forward to returning to collect an even greater fee next year.

Sucking up some Melbourne money