| NEW YORK: President Clinton was jubilant today when told of news that the ozone layer is getting smaller. Clinton speaking at the United Nations Millennium Summit congratulated the world's consumers stating that the latest results were "a victory for progress."
NASA scientists had earlier reported that the ozone hole over Antarctica is now estimated to be three times larger than the land mass of the United States. The hole has expanded to approximately 28.3 million square kilometres, one million square kilometers more than previous estimates indicated. President Clinton was delighted to hear that this is the largest the Ozone Hole has ever been. "This new hole proves once and for all that people, no matter what political persuasion, no matter what ethnicity, can work together for the common good." He hoped that each and every consumer "from the tiniest user of disposable nappies, to the richest billionaire patriotically freezing their decrepid corpses," would be proud of their achievements. Clinton, urged American consumers not to rest on their laurels however. "Although we Americans produce 23%, of the world's ozone depleting carbon emissions, we still have a long way to go to beat this evil toxin. I want to ask each and every one of you to drive your car more often; to use more aerosol cans; to drink more crappy coffee from styrofoam cups and most of all to burn any unwanted batteries, tyres or automobiles." Clinton went on to state that the Ozone Layer posed the greatest threat to the citizens of America since the fall of Communism in Eastern Europe. "This evil gas is slowly and systematically filtering necessary UV rays from the sun, preventing days from being warmer and summers from being longer. We must work together to destroy this abhorrent haze." Sources at the FBI believe that the gas was the brainchild of Middle Eastern terrorists, who along with a group of Former Communist Dictators released the gas in a plot to destabilise the current World Order. On a personal level President Clinton felt vindicated by the news that the Ozone Layer was gradually depleting. Clinton had played a major role in blocking the signing of a Greenhouse Emission treaty at the Kyoto Earth Summit in 1997.  |
| Shared Triumph In Fight Against Ozone |
Friday, 01 September 2000 12:00
