HADES: Wellington remains deceptively still. Aucklanders swelter in their traffic jams. The folk of Invercargill look skyward and shake their heads at not seeing rain in a record three days. It is not only the realm of the living, however, that is subject to the adverse effects of climate change.  Satan, Prince of Darkness, yesterday told Spinner that Hades, the capital city of Hell, had experienced the coldest month on record since its creation in 1611.

“Temperatures are cooler than normal,” said Satan. “It’s annoying really. Nothing can get done in these cooler temperatures. The tormented souls aren’t particularly tormented and as for my four horsemen – Pestilence, War, Famine and Death – well they’ve galloped off to equestrian camp.”

Mothers worldwide are likely to suffer as the cooler temperatures in Hell prevail. According to economist Gareth Morgan, “Mothers everywhere have no doubt told their kids that they would be getting a new bike, a tattoo, or a robot dog when Hell freezes over. This may be sooner than later and if it happens there will be huge implications for New Zealanders’ discretionary spending habits and our trade defecit account.”