International
Bush still waiting to meet infamous “Starman”
WASHINGTON: He may have been President of the United States for nearly two full terms, but George W. Bush still can’t seem to set up a meeting with the alien known only as Starman. Bush has been determined to meet the secretive Starman since first hearing of the alien being in David Bowie’s 70’s hit single of the same name.
Hillary to embark on porn career
WASHINGTON: Excited by the recent display of cleavage by Hillary Clinton to the US Congress, the director of the cult porn classic Debbie Does Dallas is said to be enticed by the possibility of another sequel to the film, with the working title Hillary Humps Houston.
Minnesota bridge collapse sparks playing card debate
MINNESOTA: A worldwide investigation into the suitability of using ordinary playing cards in the design and construction of bridges is underway following the collapse of an eight lane freeway bridge into the Mississippi River on Thursday.
Climate Change causing Hell to freeze over, millions of kids to gain
HADES: Wellington remains deceptively still. Aucklanders swelter in their traffic jams. The folk of Invercargill look skyward and shake their heads at not seeing rain in a record three days. It is not only the realm of the living, however, that is subject to the adverse effects of climate change. Satan, Prince of Darkness, yesterday told Spinner that Hades, the capital city of Hell, had experienced the coldest month on record since its creation in 1611.
Bullet proof bubble to protect Mickey Mouse from terrorists
DISNEYLAND: A special bullet proof dome has been added to Mickey Mouse’s all-terrain parade float to protect the Mouse from would be assassins. The 3m wide dome has been added to the float used by Mickey in Disneyland’s daily “It’s a Small World” parade.
The bullet proof Mousemobile
“America stands for freedom, and nothing represents that freedom more than Mickey Mouse. We have to take all necessary precautions to protect Mickey from evil-doers. Mickey is the most important mouse in the Free World and we must protect him from villians who want nothing more to hurt our cartoon characters and destroy our freedom.”
The 2.5 tonne Mousemobile, as it has been dubbed, was designed to withstand a direct hit from a rocket launcher and is capable of speeds of up to 200km an hour. The vehicle was built by McDonnell Douglass Corporation, who are using the publicity gained from the sale of the vehicle to gain leverage in the lucrative theme park protection market.