| ISTANBUL – The Chairman of British Petroleum thanked the “countless dead” as BP made a clean sweep of “Oilys” at the prestigious Annual Multinational Oil Company Awards, held at Topkapi Palace, in Istanbul last night.
Co-hosted by “the two Billys”, Billy Crystal and Billy Clinton, the fanfare event awarded Oilys for categories ranging from “Most Worker Layoffs” to “Largest Environmental Disaster”. The most prestigious award, that of “Most Evil Multinational Oil Company,” went to BP. “We at BP have worked hard to win this Oily,” said BP Chairman Lord Simon in an emotional acceptance speech. “We’d like to thank the countless dead that have paved the way. Without their blood I would not have this Oily in my hand and BP would be nowhere near the most evil oil company on the planet." "I’d also like to thank my late mum, who supported my ambition for many years, bless her.” BP swept up the Oilys, winning “Best Annihilation of Workers, Peasants and Environmental Campaigners” for their work in Colombia. “Dear me, what a surprise," a teary-eyed Lord Simon stated upon acceptance. "Of course, we can't take all the platitudes for this (award), my sincerest thanks go out to the British SAS and of course the Colombian army, for their unwavering and at times ruthless support.” Failed multinational Enron was narrowly pipped by BP in the “Best Use of an Army to Push a Pipeline through a Third World Nation” category. Enron’s efforts to overhaul the Taliban government to install a more “oil friendly” ruling system with the aid of the U.S. government was pipped at the post by BP's BTC pipeline through Turkey. “I really have to thank the CIA and its former director George Bush sr,” said Lord Simon as he took the stage once more. “It was their ingenious plan to arm Kurds to fight for nationhood and then stock up the Turkish army with weapons to eradicate them and the 200 villages that stood in the way of the Baku-Tbilsi-Ceyhan oil pipeline for oh so very long. This is for you, Georgie.” A spokesman from Shell, which only received a minor award for “Most Outlandish Lies to Appear in an Environmentally Friendly Advertising Campaign”, said they would increase efforts to claim the Oily for most evil oil company next year. “Naturally, we are gutted after all the carnage we’ve caused in Nigeria and the Mediterranean this past year. In 2003, you can expect Shell to have more explosions, more cataclysmic oil spills, more daring helicopter assasination sortees and more spectacular worker and environmentalist deaths than ever before!” The celebrations closed to rapturous applause as Billy Clinton played saxophone, while Billy Crystal sang a touching rendition of “To Oil the Girls I’ve Loved Before."  |
| BP cleans up at Oil Awards |
Saturday, 01 February 2003 12:00
