| EARTH: In a long anticipated move God called all of his Christians to ascend to heaven on Tuesday leaving all us sinners, heathens, Muslims, and Buddhists to whoop it up big time in their absence. Within hours of the Christians leaving God's Own spontaneous parties erupted in the suburbs and townships the length and breadth of the country.
"Things have been great since my weirdo Christian parents went on up to heaven," 16 year old Barry Hamilton of Balclutha told reporters. "I've now got the whole place to myself so I've been cranking Metallica on the stereo and nailing the old mans liquor cabinet every night." "This heathen stuff is pretty cool," said Hamilton's next door neighbour 22-year-old Garry Milton. "Since my boss went on up to heaven I haven't had to go to work. Thing is though my pay still gets Direct Debited into my bank account each week so as long as old man Johnson's money lasts I don't have to get another job. Bonus eh." Although most Christians were happy to be leaving earth for a life of eternal peace in heaven, not all were so excited about the prospects. "How am I going to find out who won the Super 12?" pondered Mechanic and Highlanders fan Garry Hill of Dunedin. "I sure as hell hope they've got sky and stuff up there. I reckon this could be our year." Another less than excited Heaven goer was 23-year-old Stacie Mills. "I've been saving myself until after I get married next week. Now I'll never know what its like to know someone. Talk about bad timing."  |
| Christians ascent to heaven; Sinners left to wop bop a loo bop a wop bam boom! |
Friday, 01 March 2002 12:00
